….and wait some more!

THE PROCESS

You never know what is going to happen in the adoption process.

At first China looked to be the best option when we started this journey in the spring of 2006. It was reputed to be the country with the smoothest process, taking only a year from beginning to end. When deciding to switch countries in the spring of 2007 we chose Kazakhstan out of sincere interest in the country and because it took such a short amount of time to for an adoption to be completed; a few months versus the now three year estimate for China.

No matter where you turn it seems as though adoption time frames are slowing down, so I shouldn’t have been surprised by the phone call we received last week. As many readers know, our dossier reached the Ministry of Education on February 20th and were assigned to Kostanai, Kazakhstan on March 10th. This was very exciting news because it meant that we would be traveling soon; perhaps within the next week. (At least, this previously had been the norm.)

I needed a minimum of a week off from school in order to prepare for our departure so my adoption agency, MAPS, made their best estimate as to when I should start my leave. They based their decision on past adoptions (the family before us received their Letter of Invitation [LOI] two days after receiving their assignment to Kostanai) and information from their staff in Kazakhstan. This staff regularly checks in with Kazakhstan’s Ministry of Education in order to inform our agency and they tend to be “right on” with their estimates on travel time.

OUR UPDATE

Other than a few “not yet’s” and “soon”, we didn’t hear anything concrete until the last week of March when we were told to expect our LOI anytime and to be ready to apply for visas with expected travel dates between April 10th and 15th. This was a little later than we had hoped but it was based on information gathered from the Kazakh Ministry of Ed. After not getting our LOI early last week, I asked our agency to double check on our possible travel date. I was called me back with the news that LOI’s for Kostanai will be sent out later this month with invites for travel starting on the first of May.

Talk about a shock; not only for me but also for my agency. They truly expected us to be in Kazakhstan by now and, of course, we were hoping we’d be there also. Why the delay? My understanding is that the woman in charge of invitations at the ministry wants to make sure there are definitely children available before LOI’s are sent out. From the information we got, there may have been children available earlier in the month (thus our potential travel) but circumstances arose that nullified possible invites: babies reclaimed by family (a good thing), illnesses, local adoptions, etc. Who really knows? The list could go on.

The important thing is that we are not being invited before children are definitely available. I really respect Kazakhstan’s MOE efforts to not have families leaving for Kazakhstan too early and then waiting in a foreign country for a child. It is certainly better (and less expensive) to be delayed at home, as difficult as it may seem. They are truly looking out for the interest of the children and perspective parents. However, I’m left with this with gamut of emotions as I wait for a phone call telling us to leave.

EMOTIONS, EMOTIONS, EMOTIONS

Defeat is the first feeling that comes to mind. It seems like every step that we reach that is a move forward comes with something that holds us back. I’ve been very conservative in my expectations during this entire process, but once being placed in and actual region in Kazakhstan I let my pent up adoption excitement escape, only to be disappointed a couple weeks later. It is truly defeating to finally let yourself experience the anticipation of becoming a mother, only to be reminded that it was still too soon to let that emotion surface.

Guilt is the second sentiment hanging over my head. I’m on leave from school. Had I thought that I would be waiting at home at this time, I NEVER would have left school when I did. I know, I know…I’ve been told many times that the adoption delay wasn’t planned and I made my best effort to work until I truly thought I had to get done. With the possibility of still being notified at anytime (yes, it is always up in the air) and because school vacation just one week away, it would be too complicated to try to delay my leave and then have to return to it at a moment’s notice. We really don’t know how long we’ll be waiting and consistency is best for my students, which is what they are getting right now with my long term sub.

It just feels so strange that I am at home when I thought that, at this point, we would be spending time with our child. I’m not just sitting around with nothing to do. I’ve been working very hard at the many things that need to be done on the house, but this time was meant for bonding and becoming a parent. I can’t help feeling disappointed.

TURNING THAT FROWN UPSIDE DOWN (I love this hokey quote!)

Basically, I need to take the advice of everyone around me and use this time to finish getting ready for our child. Trust me, in this house and with what we’ve been doing this time is a gift and is needed. I spent yesterday covering our new stair treads with polyurethane, thus crossing one more lead abatement project off our list. (We’ve replaced tons of trim, doors, etc. that were all laden with lead paint.) It is kind of a “Catch 22″; I have the time to be with a baby, but it is also time needed to prepare. As a friend said yesterday, Murphy’s Law is in effect. By taking my leave when I was told would be appropriate, we are having to wait. If I hadn’t taken my leave when I did, we would have been called when least expecting and nothing at home would have been done. I would be in Kazakhstan worried about returning to our home construction project.

This friend also said this is good training for parenthood: Any well laid plans that involve a child will not work out as expected. Again, wise advice!

As a result of our recent notice, I am trying to get back into the mode of no expectations and am working away at things needing to be finished up at home. If, by chance, our adoption is further delayed I will somehow have to return to teaching for the remainder of the school year. I’m hoping this won’t happen; not because I don’t want to be back in the classroom, but because I’m looking forward to being with our child. But, I will take what the Fates allow believing that everything happens for a reason and this must be the path to the child that is meant for us.

Phew! Now that I’ve articulated my frustrations, I can leave this post with acceptance of a little longer of a wait and appreciation of precious time that I may never have again. I really DO have much to complete but I also need to relax a bit…something that I’ve never really been good at but like to practice.

I’m also listening to my husband, for once, who said that I should use this time to connect with people that will be harder to see once we have a child. So, on that note, I found a good flight deal on Priceline last night and will be flying to San Francisco for a long weekend visit my sister. Seventy degrees and sunny is the expected weather! Can’t wait!

Happy weekend!

p.s. A special, “Hello” to all of my students! I just wanted to tell you that I miss you all and to get all of your homework done! (-: